Relationship Boundaries~

I think relationships have lost direction.  I mean there are unspoken rules in addition to clearly defined and spoken of rules; there are parameters; and there should be boundaries…I can’t help but think that with each advancement society makes with technology our interpersonal relational skills diminish unless we mindfully work at it.  I used to talk on the telephone when it was the only true means of communicating with another soul but with the advent of email & text messaging, I’ve since learned exactly what I like…what I prefer.  And speaking of preferences, damn those!  Preferences have singlehandedly been responsible for the vast decline in a variety of areas.  Life is like shopping at OPTIONS R’US…oh you don’t like edges on your PB&J sandwich?  Well, you can buy them without, never mind having to cut it off yourself.  Oh you don’t like your breast, post breastfeeding?  Call Dr. Phenomenally Magical to get a new pair.  We live in a world where you can get what you want, as great or noxious as that may be.

These very influences affect our relationships because we have expectations that we may not have had given a different decade and given different options.  I think relationships are one of those things where less is more, where holding fast to some tradition can be growth & longevity inducing.  Some things shouldn’t go along with the times, because some things are never in fashion.  Your relationship shouldn’t have to keep up with the fast pace of the rat race.  Things that were once held sacred are dying, the human holds very little in high regard, because it’s OK to be our f*cked up dysfunctional selves because alas we are acceptable to someone somewhere regardless of the depravity of one’s behavior.  I think people have lost the art of simplicity in their relationships, and it would do us well to reclaim those simple things, no brainers.  Put the ego’s aside and act with common sense…if you said you were gonna come straight home after work, then come straight home.  Except for the random one off phone calls with people you never speak to that you couldn’t predict, then you shouldn’t be having side conversations with random people, acquaintances, friends, etc. (specifically of the opposite sex).  If some of you were able to manage this, you wouldn’t need pass-codes on your phone or you wouldn’t feel the need to take it with you every where you go…i.e. including the bathroom & the bed.  First of all, leave that sh*t outside of the bathroom & bed.  When did that sh*t become OK?  How are you Face booking from bed?  There is a time for everything, word.  AND that’s another aspect of whats getting lost…there is a time for Face booking & bullsh*tting.  When its couple time, it about you 2. One on one without the accoutrements of the world infiltrating the true precious moments you have in a day.  You spend hours at work, hours doing this or that (shopping, cooking, meeting, partying, etc.) which leaves less time to connect with your partner.  What does it say about the state of affairs btwn the two of you if you prefer to surf the internet?  Or chat on the phone with your people, discussing mundane drudgeries?  This isn’t to say that people shouldn’t do the things that they like to do or need to do…its to say that you’ve got to strike a serious balance.  Unless it’s an emergency, others should know not to call your phone past a certain hour or before it.  Relaxed manners, there were just some things that my generation didn’t do while growing up, also known as training.  People had home training & it was evident in the way they behaved.  Those niceties get lost on each other in our day to day interactions.   From the lady who doesn’t say thank you when you hold the door for her.  Or the guy who cuts you off in traffic, the old lady who bumps you as you walk by, the good morning you exclaim and no one answers, the lack of please & thank you’s…we’re just not doing the best with common niceties, to strangers & people we claim to love.  Lost…is beyond where things appear to be, sad times.  What do we do?

If I died…what would they say about my life…

Some 3 years ago I was asked (I get asked a lot of stuff by the brilliant in my midst)?

If you were to depart (i.e. die) this earth today what would they say about your life? Would it differ from what you would want them to say? If so how and why would it differ? I am just curious.
 

My answer:

 

1st of all who is “they”?

If I were to depart this earth today, before anyone said anything about my life I want them to read a prewritten letter not yet written that would say:  Thank you, for acknowledging my life, that I meant something to you, if even a little.  To say that you loved or hated me is not my concern now, because it wasn’t while I was alive…however I respect you for having respect for me to show here to give comfort & lend support to those closest to me, who need it the most (presuming there is a “ceremony” & “they” attend).
 
To my beloved children, please know that I chose to have you and that I wanted you.  No one loved you more than me, to that I solemnly swear.  I hope that you forgive me for my shortcomings and for the areas where I failed you, I hope that one day you can fully understand what a heavy call to duty being a parent is.  You were my reasons for fighting forward and pushing onward, you were my peace & solace.  You kept me alive with your smiles and innocence & promise.  An only child given 2 precious human beings to help me soften the hard edges that living life caused.  I thank you for being in my life.  There are no words that can capture the depth of feeling & emotion & love & thoughts & everything that you both mean to me.
 
Should my death precede my mother’s & if it doesn’t-I want this said! speak it into the universe so that wherever she is, she can hear me.  I love you.
I struggled with my less than stellar behavior as a daughter, you deserved better than I gave.  I thank you for your strength, and for your example.
 
To the women who connected with me on a soul level, I thank you.  I thank you for the reflections of myself, either the good or the bad, the things lacking and the things well or over developed.  The spiritual connection has been a divine gift, by grace I was bestowed the honor of your friendship.
 
~Please play Donny Hathaways “A Song For You” three times (in succession)~
 
What “they” said would depend on who “they” were, it will undoubtedly vary & that’s a promise.  Areas where it’s impossible to argue: I was a stickler for specifics, I held you to what you said, not what you meant.  Always on time & impatient with other’s who practiced tardiness.  My word was my bond.  I had high standards for all interactions with other humans, including children & I didnt issue any passes and didn’t cosign any bullshit. Tough, fearless, honest to a fault & at times brutal, almost too much.  Agressive, mannish, unemotional, robotic titanium, stern/mean, and no nonsense inspite of my petite frame.  I was an excellent enough of a mother w/o question! that I was forward thinking & acting.  A go getter, driven, determined and focused.  Thought I was right most times & not many people could tell me different.  A reveler, a partaker of the arts, all things cultural, a traveler, a lover of experiences, places, things, including passionate beautiful men.  Liked and lost many, loved a few.  One who said no to marriage twice (don’t count the 3rd), cause it never “felt” right…who believed that it just wasn’t in the stars for me (but open to the surprise of).  It wasn’t my story, the white dress, ring & husband (but open to the surprise of).  Schemain gave it to you raw & real.  “They” often said that you either loved or hated me, simply no in between (though I know a few who fell in that category).  Addicted to luxury, in a humble way & accepted other’s despite what they were drawn to.  I don’t think anyone would question that I lived open, without rules, without shame.  As much as was w/in my control, I did it my way.  Loyal & trustworthy, my actions were genuine.  A tough exterior, hard to crack & it didn’t usually.  They loved me despite & for that I was grateful and truly appreciative.  Gifted with the tongue, and the written word, a resource.  Intolerant of the slow.  A social recluse who was available for those I had high regard for.  That I hated to “talk”, would rather “write” it or type it or text it.  That I drove way too fast & perhaps not as skillfully as I thought, but regardless of what they say: I know that I had an impact on many, though that wasn’t a conscious wish & I feel somewhat accomplished.  If I said one thing to one person ever, that changed their life for the better, I am content.
 
I do apologize to all those I’ve wronged in ways too numerous to list.  I was a work in progress…hopefully by the time this is being read I would have gotten closer to that than any potential I possessed.  What “they” say & what I would say would differ…I feel it unecessary to mention or explain why…I just want people to tell the truth of what they knew, including knowing that they may have been wrong or very right…above all that though, I don’t care what people say about me, not now & not then.  I want them to say what they feel, but I would hope that they feel to say nothing if they have nothing good to say, out of respect for the dead.  Common deceny, just have some fucking respect. 
 

 

Schemain, an acquired taste.

“Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.”
― Ernest Hemingway

On Pause~

I was asked 2 years ago by someone I respect “What is it that I wanted to be in this life”.  At the time I bookmarked it, because I wanted to answer & more importantly “think” about doing vs. being in this life. My answer given 2 years ago below:
 
I don’t want to romanticize my answer about “What is it that I wanted to be in this life”.  or conjure one that I think humans generally feel they have to give (to questions like this).  I don’t want to say something eloquent for the sheer excitement that embellished tales garner nor for the internal gall one summons to say it, to put it into words…things and stuff that even they don’t believe.  I am far too honest with myself to attempt to beguile others with the “words” I possess.  Past approval, past acceptance, which I’m not actively seeking, yet must want…I desire to be clear, always.  I want to be real, and authentic with myself and others even when its harsh, and ugly.  I can stand myself, thank god…
 
I am many things that I didn’t know I wanted to be, but I am grateful that despite ignorance and or oblivion I somehow found my way-meaning i’m not where I could be…in either realms…but more good than bad.  There, where I had no clue I wanted to be, the things I thought I wanted, in fact didn’t or learned that I wasn’t willing to work for them.  My vision has often been short sighted, years that I never believed would come…simply because my view of “time” was skewed.  Thinking things further than they actually were, approaching 1993 and passing it-with a new baby.
 
While lost and misguided… time kept ticking.  3 1/2 years and another baby~years beyond what I couldn’t fathom reaching and no thought of repair.  Another 5, and then 5 more years.  All the while my plans, and dreams once wished for/hoped for were falling through cracks, at times due to my own sabotage, irresponsibility, negligence and much much sacrifice leading to a level of demise/mediocrity (at least outwardly so, circumstantially).  Beating heart within flesh, functioning being….a rote existence (quasi).  I find myself in average circumstances, quantifiable and yet somehow I continue to feel extraordinary.
 
I am bursting to “be” what I feel, what I believe that I am, though words escape any true description because I perhaps don’t really know what it is, what to call it.  I feel different, I feel so uniquely special yet i’m aware that there are countless people like me or enough.  Who am I to require bandages for old wounds/slights/wrongs, etc.?  Maybe I’m just mad, as in lunacy…but do the insane think this way?
 
And hurting, at how far removed I am from actualization of any possibility, to realistically develop the underdeveloped me and wondering if it’s past…with me standing on the side watching it fade-resigned.  In all honesty I do not possess an answer to the question posed…be?  haaaaa! (insert maniacal laughter, for effect…truly) incredulously I say that I’ve had no time for me and life has, to this point consumed me.  Busy “doing” I have deferred to my detriment.  I know this all sounds so macabre, I think though that you understand.
 
*2 years post writing this…I realize that I was near peaking…Today, Now, Here in these moments…daily…I AM bursting at my seams, I find myself on the edge of “being”.  Stay tuned~
Schemain, an acquired taste.

Walking Contradiction~

I am not aiming for perfection, not even attempting to come close.  I am satisfied to be this contradiction and part time hypocrite. Wherever it is that you find me on my journey, is where I am.

 

Yelling at the height of my road age or yielding for the car juxtaposed oddly in traffic.  Fucking your husband if I choose or refusing to because he is.  Flipping you the bird or telling you to kiss my ass and meaning it for what ever reason I deem fit.  Scooping heaps of food on plates at a shelter, unable to maintain eye contact because I understand that in life you can end up anywhere.  

A scathing bitch or your best friend.  Trusted confidant or your worst enemy.  Unscrupulous nemesis or your biggest cheerleader, your number one fan and supporter.  Information sharer, minimal gossip or vaulted secret keeper.  Caring too much or not caring at all.  Being compassionate or not !! Those are all my decisions to make.

 

Charities contributed to; money loaned; time spent; sicknesses nursed;  I am the personification of  friendship epitomized.  Flower sender, card writer, birthday acknowledger’.  Lover, loving, loved.   Stalemate winner, Ice cold shoulder giver.  Abortion having or life giving.  Food stamp using or six figure making.  I won’t steal but I might beg.  I don’t lie but a liar, truth teller, even if you cannot handle it. Quiet observer or loud cusser!!  Partier or social recluse.  Nerdy homebody or galavanting lady of the night (galant de nuit).  A real standup person who’ll spit on your car or you, if I have to.  A real lion* willing to go toe2toe & blow4blow if you take it there.

High road taker or low road walker, it just all depends on the day.  I’ll meet you on your ground, your terms & the victor I’ll always be.  Why?Because my truth is my own to claim without shame.  I am my own work in progress and no one has any power over me!  I walk in my light…and in my truth…and that makes me “unstoppable”.

I have opened my home for those without one; offered a place to stay when there was no hotel or safe haven; pampered others with surprises and showered them with gifts just so they would feel appreciated and my words have demolished those who felt up for the task of “tearing me down” and conversely my words have soothed savage souls and my advice consoled–whether it was asked of me, or not…whether those who received cared or didn’t, never truly mattered & it never will.  I give wholeheartedly as I am “moved” to & show up delivering consistently, not for praise, not for thank you’s, nor accolades–I do so because of the light within.

 

Being at my best and doing my best is only for me.  Being at my worst and doing my worst is only about me.  I am content in my skin because I know that “external” factors don’t matter.  Certainly not the opinions or feelings and thoughts of others (who by the way can’t manage any better in their own lives).

 

This ^ is just some of what I am, I choose to be me withOUT apology to you for any of that.  I can go on all day about the dichotomy that is me, but let me stop bordering on narcissism ;0) (even though the schadenfreude in some of you would rather I be self conscious and insecure, I’m laughing at you!).

Other people can’t tell me shit about “me”–because I KNOW who I am (learn yourselves).  I actually don’t care who stands in judgment of me (remember most people ain’t shit).  I feel sorry for the self-righteous; pity the conscious, and shake my head at the holier than thou’s. Because those types hide behind titles scared to make a move, any move, but especially the wrong move & instead of working on those shortcomings they’d rather talk about those of others.  Suggestion:  Get a life.  Matter-of-fact just start living yours (because if you were unaware, you’re a hypocrite too!).

 

Therefore let me go back to either doing my good deeds or my bad deeds.  Yesterday I was one act short of sainthood and today well you know what I am today.

 

P.S.

Excuse me…you in the glass house, lemme take those stones since you won’t be needing them to pelt my way (I don’t live in a glass house & I’ll be needing them to pelt at you)!.

What Do Women Want?

by: Kim Addonizia

I want a red dress.

I want it flimsy and cheap,

I want it too tight, I want to wear it

until someone tears it off me.

I want it sleeveless and backless,

this dress, so no one has to guess

what’s underneath. I want to walk down

the street past Thrifty’s and the hardware store

with all those keys glittering in the window,

past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old

donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers

slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,

hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.

I want to walk like I’m the only

woman on earth and I can have my pick.

I want that red dress bad.

I want it to confirm your worst fears about me,

to show you how little I care about you

or anything except what

I want. When I find it, I’ll pull that garment

from its hanger like I’m choosing a body

to carry me in this world, through

the birth-cries and the love-cries too,

and I’ll wear it like bones, like skin,

it’ll be the goddamned

dress they bury me in.

 

 

Schemain, an acquired taste~

 

https://fanciesherself.wordpress.com/

http://honestlyspeaking.weebly.com/

 

The mystery of humans…

We, none of us have the answers.  As much as we may have figured out certain things, there are just some other things we haven’t (and may never). 

The conundrum I find most fascinating is doing something you wouldn’t ordinarily do (or that you claim you wouldn’t).  Perhaps even doing something “wrong”.  The compulsion of thoughts leading to an act or repeated actions that fit either of those 2 categories.

What I do know is that we each have to figure out our own shit without the input and influence of others.  You know why? Because others have their own shit to figure out and really can’t begin to tell others how they should handle anything.  Of course that isn’t to say that if you have relevant experience in a particular area that you don’t share those gems, by all means do so while fully understanding that your goal is only to impart wisdom or add value, not force other people to do or see things your way (after all it may have only worked for you). 

I am intrigued by these 2 things: 

1. This notion of moth to a flame.  “Like a moth to a flame” is an old saying that is used as an analogy to describe how one person is attracted to another person — drawn to them — like a moth is drawn to the light and heat of an open flame.  {This precede’s being burned}. :0)

2. Or that of deer caught in headlights.  It is an expression that means that you are too stunned to move.  In other words you are terrified.  It comes from when you catch a deer in your headlights and they just freeze. {Usually right before you hit em}! :0)

Maybe we (humans) are no better than these animals we regard as foolish.  Just dumb for no reason other than the sake of stupidity.  Maybe just maybe what we are supposed to do is give in to the light and get burned or stay stuck, eyes big & wide waiting to get struck down.  Life’s perpetual cycle of lessons becomes quite tiring, especially given that it is usually tied to pain or some form of discomfort.  Lessons don’t typically “feel” good.  Granted and thankfully some are easier to come by; to get; to learn; and or experience/go through.

I’m feeling like this stuff mightttt (big might) border on some form of eternal optimism, which lives inside many of us, no matter how big or small.  Some of us carry with us a hope, a yearning, a desire that maybe this is different.  You know why?  Because it might be & then there are those who conversely believe more in the probability of…and who may take a pessimistic position, only an individual can say/determine for him/herself the path he/she must/will take.

I’ve heard (as an exploratory concept), that people are attracted to pain…hence the various levels of self sabotage we engage in–affecting our lives and unfortunately those of others, often times beyond repair.  Manifesting cycles of our own woundedness, and like moths to a flame being constantly lured by something we can’t quite explain. 

A myriad of songs explore this very topic, with lines like “if loving you is wrong then I don’t wanna be right”.  I won’t even list out the countless sentiments similar to that…it is this weak admittance of one’s inability to resist something* bad for ya as if that’s ok. 

Sometimes it’s easier to determine when the stakes are too high if money is involved.  The big question is how can you tell when it’s your heart (before you get burned or struck the hell down)?

 

Schemain, an acquired taste~

Role Reversal, Black or White…

This is what I’d like…

I want the world racially opposite from what it is.  I do not mean I’d like utopia to exist—what it means is that I’d like things “just” the way they are only I want white people to be what black people are in the world.

As a black person when I walk into a store, I want the presumption to be that I’m there to spend money and not to shoplift & I’d like to say no I don’t need help because I in fact don’t, not because I’m trying to tell you to go fuck yourself w/o actually saying that because I am actually “shopping”.  Or not saying—bitch I didn’t ask for help, stop profiling me.  Black people can’t do anything in peace and without provocation.  Let me elaborate…I head out of the house and I’m profiled soon as I exit my door, the peace begins to dissipate, slowly and surely.  I get into my car and aside from normal worries about taillights working, obeying the speed limit, not following the car in front of me too closely—I gotta consider that being black is enough provocation to get my ass pulled over, the upside though is at least I’m a woman because the black man has less chances than I do to make it to the corner store in “peace”.

I want white people to walk into a store and on 93 out of the 100 magazines on the shelf, see a black face.  Blacks frolicking in all sorts of splendor, you know just living and doing things worthy of being placed on almost “every” magazine cover, wait…and on top of that…have the pages be filled with guess what? More black people doing stuff that white people can or cannot relate to, wearing stuff they can or cannot afford.

I want white people to peruse the aisles of the grocery store; neighborhood store; big chain discount stores (the “marts” of the world); the book store; the greeting card store; every store & any store and everywhere they turn see images of black people emblazoned on 98% of everything almost everywhere they go in the world.  Movie covers & movies, posters & billboards, barbies & baby dolls on shelves (I’d like to know how many times a white mother has gone into the biggest toy store in the world & not found a white doll on the shelf, like when I went into the same store and couldn’t find a “black” doll on the shelf for my kid’s birthday, that’s some really crazy shit and what’s crazier is that she was with me).  Talk about things being askew.

I want black faces on the front of greeting cards & not just the ones in the “black section”.  I want black faces pictured on coffee mugs, our images on t-shirts, the front of notebooks, vacation brochures, TV shows, TV commercials, foreign films, food items…just every fucking thing.  Wherever a white face exists today, put a black one in its place and thennnnn let’s chat about some shit.  I want a white section in those stores too, like the ethnic sections in the supermarkets and “marts” of the world—because yes of course, we’re inclusive of everyone, you see this section don’t you?!

I want them to be the only white person in a hotel of only black people, everytime they stay in a hotel.  I want you to lay out by the pool and be the only white family in sight.  I want you to know what its like for me to get out of the pool because you & your kids have gotten in.  I want white people to go to the beach and not spot another white person for miles and miles…nothing but black bums and breasts getting tanned.  I want  “you” to get the “you don’t belong here” stares from 99.99% of places you go…your whole life, in most cities in the WORLD.  I want you to be able to count the white people in your office…or in a meeting…or on one hand or how many just got hired…“Oh yeah they just hired Tim…you know the tall slim white guy? Wire rimmed glasses?…yeah, there’s 3 of us in managerial roles now”.

And I want all of this not because I’m some sick racist, I’m not…I have white friends :0)!  I want this so white people can really learn what assimilating in their world is really like and how much strength & gumption is required.  Then, I want to be told to “get” over stuff or stop drudging up stuff…or that affirmative action is a tactic “we” take advantage of.  I want it all to be reversed and then told don’t be bitter, don’t be angry…stop being or coming off so strong aka black.  I want white people to have never had a white president & then when they finally get one…have black people tear him down with racial slights & blatant offenses regularly on radio & tv.  I want this, so white people can have the same reasons I have to be sick of this world and nauseous by the subliminal subversiveness that permeates every word, every image, every action big, small and seemingly so minute it never makes it onto people’s radars unless of course, they’re the underdog.  Then after unfairly treating them and discriminating for centuries, I wanna see what sort of predicaments they find themselves in & how they take to black people offering “advice”.  Then I dare them to say, race isn’t an issue.  It is very much an issue…because the world is WHITE—of course whites have no problems with race until someone who isn’t white says something about it.  Most white people are color blind, because they never “notice” any of the shit I mention above, and you know why? Because white people never have to & frankly because they never care to.   If whites weren’t color blind, why would you need a black girl to point all of this out?

People act like this is normal. It’s not normal–it’s an unfair existence.  That’s not new, but all the aforementioned does not go unnoticed, at least not by me anyway!

Signed, tired of the bombardment~

RANDO “M” ESSES ~

1.  To all borrowers’:  Return a borrowed item, before the loaner has to ask – pssst…come here (gesturing with pointer finger)…that also includes money!!  If you can’t do either of those things, don’t borrow other people’s stuff!!  Get your own stuff, why you riding mine? (Thanks for the line lil’ Kim).

 

2.  To people who like to tell other’s what they think without solicitation:  Do not misconstrue with #3 below.  This is for instances where you weren’t “asked” what you thought, you just offered it as if it were welcomed & as if it was “OK” for you to do so (perhaps based on friendship/relationship & the closeness or length of either or both).  Simply feeling like you know someone does not “give” you room to say what you “think” whenever it is that you “think” it.  Even conversations had in past moments and times does not give you a pass to comment freely, nor does it give you the authority.  The most important reason you should refrain from this behavior is this:  you are yourself flawed and regrettable and hypocritical, how can you offer any reprimands?  I don’t do it—proudly I can say that it isn’t a practice of mine.  There has never been an unsolicited occurrence where I just told someone what I thought (well rarely maybe).   I never “jump” in the midst of any happening to interject a thought, or opinion…NOT because I do not possess any, but because I understand my place.  I have boundaries & I understand the unwritten rules of engagement.  I don’t rattle off freely at the mouth about anything, even if it’s to say how I feel about your life, your stuff, your situation, your man, your kids, etc. etc. etc.   Understand there are differences in joking around and being witty while engaging in a discussion.  For example, Girl 1: I don’t understand why my man expects me to do everything around the house.  Girl 2:  You better not let that man run you (and conversation continues). This is simple, isn’t it?  Friendships do not give you the right to say what you feel.  If you feel like you should be able to say how you feel whenever you feel a particular way, then do that with everyone, do not just misdirect @ your friends/loved ones.  When your boss comes over and asks you something, just say exactly how you feel, give them your unsolicited feedback & see where that lands you.  Fact is people only tell others what’s on their mind when no one has asked because they are exerting something within themselves that has nothing to actually do with you, just how they perceive you.  Meaning…they’ve been dying to tell you what they think about you, or your situation or how you handle things but never really had an opportunity to do so.  Basically, they’ve been waiting.

I can’t stand that; there is just some shit you have to resign yourself to never saying if you wish to keep certain conditions in tact.  Learn to keep your mouth shut.  Learn to reserve your personal opinion, UNLESS specifically asked.  Bite your tongue, i.e. stay in your lane; resist temptation and the urge to speak on a situation that’s probably still better than yours (if you were to size them up).  Fact is, If I wanted to, I could run down a long ass list about all that I felt about other people and the circumstances in which they exist, however…I’m busy living my own life.  If you’re over there messing up your shit, that’s fine by me.  I’m not gonna tell you about it, until (wait for it, wait for it…its coming), until you ask me or make it my business, which brings me to #3.

 

3.  People who like to tell other’s what’s their business vs. what’s not:  Don’t make something my business & then tell me that it isn’t.  This is what I mean, example:  You drop your baby off for me to watch, and his clothes are filthy and you have no change of clothes.  You’ve now made all of that my business, get it?  So when I say to you “why does your baby have dirty clothes & why didn’t you bring a change of clothes”?  Don’t tell me it isn’t my business.  Notha’ example:  I loaned you 50 bucks and you said you were going to pay me back when you got paid at the end of the week, yet before the end of the week & after…you’ve been out shopping & haven’t mentioned my 50 bucks or the return of it.  So when I say to you “how you shopping and buying all this stuff and I can’t get my 50 bucks”.  You can’t then say to me, that it isn’t my business.  You know why?  Because you just made it my business!!  Different example:  You claim we are a family & that we care about each other BUT there are certain things I cannot speak on because it’s not my business.  If there is one place in the world where you should be able to discuss, talk or argue about anything- – IT IS WITH FAMILY!!  If we can’t, then we’re not really family, now are we?!  Exactly.

 

4.  When in other people’s homes, you play by their rules:  You would think this was a no brainer, but astonishingly and apparently – – tis not.  You’d be surprised how many people are disguised as full-fledged thinkers, faking intellectualism, and foregoing common sense for opaque covered nuances.  What I’m saying is this:  When in someone else’s home you do what they say, simple…OR you don’t go, it is a really really kindergarten concept to grasp.  If at Jay’s house he doesn’t want you bringing people by with you that he doesn’t know, then a) Come alone or b) Don’t come at all.  But you can’t tell Jay that there is something wrong with his wish – – why? It’s his blasted house!!  If Gracie Ann doesn’t like smoking in the house, then a) Don’t smoke in the house or b) Don’t go to Gracie Ann’s house.  You can’t tell Gracie what or how she should govern her home.  In a heated debate, you cannot tell your hostess Schemain…that a topic isn’t her business, by default, anything taking place under her roof is her business – – including conversations.  The only way it wouldn’t be my business is if you took it OUT of my house.  If you’re in my house with your words and actions in tow, that is my business, Simple.  If you feel like something doesn’t concern me, make sure everything that pertains to you also falls into that category, including but not limited to…you needing favors from me.  If you need me for nothing, then need me for nothing.  Miss me with all of that & get out my house, that’s how I roll.  It’s my way or the highway (when you’re in my house).  You don’t run this, I do & when I come to your house, I’ll follow your rules…Simple.  Comprende?

5.  Know when to take an “L”.  Know when to cut your losses:  Again this seems to be an insurmountable task for many many people.  In life you have to be able to look at a thing for what it is—not what you want it to be.  You’ll save yourself a lot of headache and unnecessary BS.  Its learning when to pick your battles based on the sizing of things.  Yes of course you could be David and that thing, Goliath.  Sure these victories occur & sure you could win today…however…more often than not…there is a gun fight and lots of times, everybody goes down in a hail of bullets with no survivors living to tell the tale .  And hey, that might be how you want to go out, smoke; sirens; police; blood; guts & gore.  Strangely & maybe call it selfish but I find no glory in getting my ass kicked, literally or figuratively.  I’d rather regroup, rethink, re-evaluate & rebound when the time is right.  Ahhhh…that was a nugget there…when the “TIME” is right.  Learning when the time is right is tied to enlightenment-which one only attains through growth, through learning lessons, through self sacrifice & tests.  Ego’s are the death of people, there have been bloody battles and egregious wars fought because some guy didn’t like how that other guy walked over here.  As understandable as that might be—can you win this thing?  And if not what does sacrificing a win teach you or how does it make your position better?  If it doesn’t, take your “L” (loss)—and live another day.

As always until next time, act like you know!

I’m not hating~U’s simply a non-motherf*cking factor b*tch!!

Let’s face it, Kat Williams made that “hater” shit infamous & to be honest, it’s HILARIOUS.  He actually wasn’t lying either, but c’mon people…we’re taking the “hater” thing a bit too far.  Yeah we all have some hater’s in the midst, some real schadenfreudes’s lurking behind phony stiff smiles and camouflaged “nice” words.  But everyone who doesn’t give you a well wish doesn’t wish bad for you either.

We all know the tell tale signs of true hateration, and you can also tell if someone just doesn’t like you.  There’s a difference and I think people are confusing the 2 or are simply unaware of the nuances that differentiate the 2.  I may not like someone, but also not hate on their accomplishments etc.  For instance I’m not mad at JLo and her accomplishments (if you can call them that) and though I’ve never met her…I just can’t stand something about her.  It’s like seeing a cute girl in a cute outfit, but just not liking her vibe or her for that matter.  You can give it up to her where its due but not in the areas where it isn’t.  My point is, people want to sum things up as if they “know” why a thing is the way it is or why people respond to them in the way they do.  I’m not being negative, or hating on you boo, I just don’t think you’re talented, gifted, special or smart (that’s all).

Fact is, people aren’t going to always be impressed with you, what you do, what you look like, what you drive, how creative you are, or for that matter — who you are.  You might “glitter” around your dull circle of friends, but that doesn’t make you a star!  So don’t be mad at me for feeling like you’re a dud, treating you like your’e a dud and most important, telling you I think you’re a dud. You sparkle big and quick and like most things that are short lived, quickly forgotten and cast aside never to be thought of again.  In the words of my b*tch Evelyn (Basketball Wives, go team Evelyn)…You’s simply a non-mutherfucking factor b*tch!!

Check your ego chick, every conversation or comment ain’t about you.  Every whisper or eye roll, ain’t about you.  Every Facebook status update ain’t about you.  Every slight, ain’t directed at you, but people love looking for injury and offenses and of course when you do, you’re gonna “find” them.  Everybody ain’t against you or what you’re trying to accomplish, maybe…and just maybe…people just don’t believe in your abilities.  I for one don’t and I don’t have to, if you succeed, great for you & if you don’t, so fucking what, it makes me no nevermind cause newsflash, you don’t do shit for me anyway!!! So why would I care if you failed or not.  B*tch do you~

Why am I hating if I genuinely want to know how you in the gym everyday with no kids and I still look better than you, with 2 kids?  That’s a real damn question.  No hate emanating from over here sweetie, just truth.  Because I’m unapologetic about who I am, personality and otherwise…my delivery is straight no chaser, and I get how that may be intimidating for some (but really, that’s on you…not me).  If I create a challenge to you, why must I then be considered the one who’s threatened or insecure?…ahhhhhhh I don’t think so ~ I just think your shit is that lame.  No debbie downer over here, your ideas are just that bad and I feel like someone has to tell you that & if you ask, I will (and maybe even if you don’t ask).

Also, I’ll support your cause once, but I’m not a bandwagon jumper on’er for the sake of jumping on or maintaining “friendships” with people who don’t know me & vice versa.  Seriously, If I gave last year, why would you think that every year I’m gonna give to you and your shit?  Maybe there are 10 other people with 10 other causes and maybe I wanna support someone else this year.  But people don’t think about that…they think, I invited her and she didn’t come.  Fact is, people think about themselves, selfish assholes.  B*tch I don’t have to tell you why I decline anything, unless I choose to.  But please be clear that I don’t owe it to you.

And I’m not done yet, that also means, no I’m not buying girl or boy scout cookies (plus I think they’re nasty ever since the ingredients got “healthier”).  So tell your little boy Buddy or little girl Susie I won’t be contributing to the new badge on that cute little vest.  No, I don’t want your pizza’s and pies or fruit baskets either, matter of fact just walk past my desk with all that bullshit.  I’m not hating, or being negative — I just know exactly what I like and what I want and that ain’t it.  AND I’m not gonna just buy it to support your shit when you don’t ever support any of my shit….and the reason may be due to the fact that I don’t ask anybody for shit (what a novel idea).  Fundraisers for my kids, I buy the damn tickets…cause by the time I could get to you….you’re worn out from all the damn orders you’ve placed trying to be “nice”!  You got pretzels coming from jack on the 3rd floor.  Jill on the 8th floor in finance has an order of hard ass gummy bears for you and Rick in the mail room has some other shit you ordered….and you did all this so their kids, who you don’t know & if you did might not like, can enter to win a contest for a Sony walkman? GTFOH (translation, get the fuck outta here).

I’m really tired of all yal lying asses, too afraid to say what you really feel and what you really think.  I have no respect for cowards, it might make you “nicer” but you’s a nice punk (just know that about yourself).  And for the record, all babies ain’t cute, yal could stop saying that shit, cause you sound dumb!! What you’re spouting isn’t even possible.  I know many of us parents, were initially a little unsure about our own damn kids (and still might be)…so don’t tell me that this bonafide magilla gorilla is a cutie.  You can front for others or your God if you want to…(cause that’s the mindset isn’t it).  “All people are beautiful, there is something beautiful about all of us”.  To say um, well he has nice “hair” implies you think he’s ugly — so just say that!  The ability to tell the truth is quite liberating, It really is.  I wish that for everyone!! The ability to just keep it real.  AND I’m not talking about picking fights and tapping people on the shoulder to tell them what you think of them…I’m talking about should the opportunity arise then feel free to be truthful.  If a chic says, I feel like you don’t like me — feel free to tell her if you do or don’t and why, since she’s asking.

So if ever you thought, I was one of your haters, trust me, most people don’t even make it on my radar for me to “hate”.  IDC (if you’re a real friend of mine, you know exactly what this means because I say it all the time) — I DON’T CARE.  For me to be worried about you*, I’d have to take ten steps back & I’m way ahead of you on so many levels.  So don’t get it twisted ~ I just don’t “dig” you or your shit.  So keep doing what you do, and I’m gonna keep doing what I do.  I’m not hating, I’m simply indifferent and honestly, unimpressed.  Therefore & finally, if I have not said it to you directly (since the opportunity may have never arisen)….I’m just not that into you!

*I’m perfectly aware of the grammar, etc. IDC.  And “you” only applies to you if you want it to.

As always, until next time…act like you know~

To love or not…

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately.  I mean of course it crosses my mind sporadically like weight gain and vacation plans, but I’ve been especially contemplative of late.  These thoughts have been spurred on by those in relationships around me, and by my own.  I’ve been having conversations of the plentiful kind about the why’s and such…why are relationships so tumultuous & fragile.  How are they even possible or how is it that we can even stand another human being for any extended period of time to call ourselves relating; having relations; and in full-fledged relationships?

Definition of RELATIONSHIP: noun \-shən-ˌship\ 1: the state of being related or interrelated <studied the relationship between the variables 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a : kinship b : a specific instance or type of kinship 3a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings <had a good relationship with his family> b : a romantic or passionate attachment

I love the dictionary, I could be way smarter than I am (that’s off topic though)…OK so I’m going to share my philosophy (speculative & observational) on this thing from a flawed human’s perspective (those who know me, know that I always think I’m right).

I’d been single for forever and I kinda forgot what it felt like to be in an exclusive relationship and frankly, I didn’t long for the usual “ish” that comes with it, I was solid in my singledom.  I actually feel like oftentimes being single is more beneficial and peaceful than being in a “thing” (relationship*).  I liken relationships to shoes…We all have a really nice pair that is loved…loving everything, but especially how it looks, but it just doesn’t ever fit perfectly without irritation or flat-out pain on some days.  You thought that after time, with wear, they’d get comfortable.  Because of that hope coupled with your investment – you refuse not to wear them.  You refuse to let them go, retire them, or perhaps just give them away to someone else who they may actually fit well/better.  What happens?  As I see it, 1 of 2 things, 1. You decide you’re gonna wear them until they give in because they can’t get the best of you. Downside: It comes at a cost, discomfort.  Maybe changes to your foot, perhaps there’s a blister.  Or there’s a corn, soreness/redness and ultimately you’re scarred.  2. You decide, you’ll only wear them sometimes, and after years you finally reconcile that they’ve gotta go, ultimately a waste. Downside: It comes at a cost, wasted energy & resources & maybe changes to your foot, perhaps there’s a blister. Or there’s a corn, soreness/redness and ultimately you’re scarred.

Is it my summation that relationships leave people scarred?  Yes.  But that’s not as big of deal as the feelings that the word “scarred” conjures.  We’re all scarred, but people don’t like the word because of its implications, yet we all are, so what?!  This is more sensory, and subconsciously we understand this but consciously admitting “weakness & vulnerability” can be counterintuitive for many and daunting.  Conversely and interestingly there are scars we never see or know of because they are not visible to the eye/touch…but exist subcutaneously.  Listen, being chased by Bruno, the resident stray Doberman on Prospect Ave. on the Bklyn block where I grew up for over a year has left little love for dogs (but especially big ones) and we all can cite instances that have changed us, both through small & big occurrences….things we’ll never forget (they left scars).

This is life right, and many things are certain and us being scarred is one of them, none of us escapes unscathed.  Life is comprised of both controllable & uncontrollable variables that affect everything in our lives; the reality is that things happen to us.  It is unfortunate but the reality is we grow or regress, in different directions at different times & sometimes we collide (good or bad).  I like to think that it’s in these moments that we are able to connect with another human being, and create friendships/relationships or end them.  Loving is risky business, because we’re ever-changing, with no guarantees in place.  And for the person, who has diligently held fast, ignored, suppressed and remained committed in their relationship, it ending is a double dose of insult, pain, anger, and injury.  What do you do when you feel as if you given your all and the other person hasn’t or ups and quits?  What do you do when your relationship is on the serious fritz?  What do you do when you’ve “been” a wife & mother for a damn decade?  Or a doting husband for 15/20/30 years?  What is it that any of us does after a failed investment?

To say you gotta pick yourself up and dust yourself off makes it sound like you shouldn’t “feel” or “act” a certain way but that isn’t true.  You gotta embrace the pain to get past it, it’s got to be cared for or it will remain unhealed.  People think of caring for their hearts differently than say a deeply cut finger they might lose if it wasn’t properly cared for.  Believe it or not there are ointments and treatment plans for a broken/aching heart.  Talking; venting; crying; therapy; grieving; drinking; dancing, I digress but you get the idea~

There is still a lot of hope left to reach wherever it is that you’re tying to go or whoever it is that you’re trying to become.  As you move past this chapter, you’ll find a new self that may not like being alone or in a newly single status but you’ll know that you saved yourself along the way on this road called life.  You’ll know that you threw yourself a life jacket when you saw that you were drowning beyond depths you could survive.  What more can we expect or even ask of others?  Things are always subject to change, agreements subject to revision and relationships always hang in the balance.  When we choose coupledom we leave ourselves open to the whims of another…and we can’t ever forget that.  And when it’s all said and done, only you know if it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I know that there are some things I’d rather not go through or “feel” and while I’m not sure about loving vs. not…I do believe it “serendipitous” to connect even for a time because in the face of so much, relationships defy sensibilities and logic.  In fact we should be pleasantly surprised that we are ever liked, let alone loved, by anyone.

*relationship is inclusive of marriage.

As always, until next time–act like you know…

Schemain, an acquired taste~

People Ain’t Shit~

I haven’t been the easily loving kind.  By my definition, that’s the kind of person who is always in love or in some relationship or dealing with another, good or bad.  Never been one to look for that or yearn for it…Not saying that makes me better or worse than others, I’m just speaking from my perspective, my truth.  People think their opinions matter more than yours (that’s so funny to me) but I digress~

I think lots of people love out of lack, out of weakness based on intrinsic constitutions, or through learned/acquired behaviors.  Settling for the wrong things & people, oftentimes this topic gets muddied because it is one that people feel vehemently about in addition to so many other issues infiltrating relationships, that people oftentimes don’t even know what it is that is exactly wrong or right with their relationship or even how the hell they “ended” up with a particular person.

I have always known that no one should “end” up with me, and that I wouldn’t want nor choose anyone that I was just “ending” up with.  It’s not as if you’re stuck playing some weird carnival game and no matter how hard you try to shoot the water straight into the hole of the clowns mouth, you just can’t and you end up with some loser’s prize, still something but nothing you really wanted.  I’m not that! and any man who I choose to be all of myself with has to be…on the flip side, all of that himself.  A win win.  I can be counted among the many who vibe to the song by Jagged Edge “Lets get married” – however, I don’t want to ever sing that about “my” love life.  Queue words & play:  We ain’t gettin no younger we might as well do it. Been feelin’ you all the while girl I must confess. Girl let’s just get married I just want to get married.

Ah, no thanks…It has been long speculated that people get married for the ring, the dress, and the pomp & circumstance of the ceremony/production.  In my Kanye voice “Just to be like yal ain’t up on this”!!!  I think people walk around under created disguises, and since they partly believe the lies they’ve told themselves they expect or want you to believe them too.  Believe nothing! Buddha said: “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”

Simple, but people like believing what they see from their mind’s eye not the tangible done or shown…And that’s what has led to the preponderance of the “ended” up in many situations (you name it) crew.  You ended up with that dude not because of who he is, but because of who you are or who you are not.  You ended up with that trifling wife, not because of who she is but because of who you are.  Maybe you were blinded by beauty, brains, money, power, etc. etc. etc.  Maybe you found yourself in a situation and made another wrong move only to compound your first wrong move, that happens.  Take for instance all the millions of people universally, regardless of race, culture, and religion who get married because of pregnancy.  I don’t know if it is actually commendable or respectable to show good face in situations like these or if it is more honorable to say…I’m cutting my losses here, I’ll be there for the baby and to help you but I do not think we should get married.  People have been taught how to behave (and how they should be) but the art of conquering society, dictates that you have to know when application of certain practices should take place.  People are walking mockeries of everything possible in existence under the sun.  So you get married because you’re having a baby, to someone who you may or may not know, to someone who you may or may not like/love, to someone you may want or not, because your stronger wish is for “people” to know something about you, perception wise.  You want people to know that despite being a fornicator, you have enough “sense” to do what’s right, in the eyes of GOD and society…as if either of those two things were part of your prior considerations.  That is arguably a sucker move!!  You believed “them”??  So they said that your child wouldn’t be born a bastard if you got married first?  Or is it that your child isn’t a bastard if a father is listed on the birth certificate?  Or is it that you’re confused?  It’s all perception right, because if you talk to a pro-lifer, they’d say that an embryo is a child – so wouldn’t that make your child a bastard from the beginning?  See when you run in 5 block mazes of your brain, your actions are always predictable because you are seeking acceptance at large.  Instead of that, you should be trying to figure out why you have the urge and want to do so (to please others to this extent).  But who am I right?  Just someone with a damn opinion or perspective (smile)…and what I love about all of us, is that no matter what we say or believe, we are all hypocritical.  I love the irony in that, its like the ankle weight placed by GOD* to keep you grounded because if it were not for that, you’d be high on yourself when you have enough reasons NOT to be.

*God or Universe, or whatever you believe…

I’ll tell you something else too…I haven’t been the easily loving kind, because I know people ain’t shit.  That’s why I think hypocrisy is built innately into all of us.  That’s why you are some parts the very things you don’t like.  And though you may feel powerful all the way down to your fingertips, there are reasons why you aren’t.  That’s why despite the grandiosity of circumstance, people still feel helpless and weak and average and still not good enough.  The physical make up of the human is a marvel, yet despite all the veins and parts so intricately designed to work well with each other, that depend on each other for sustenance to help you live and function – – can do no more to help you with the day to daying of it all, despite your unique design you still ain’t shit.  I love that!  I love that no one can get too big for their britches because your cumulative life experience, self contributed and by that of others has made you, me, us, definable in many ways!  Therefore I’m not ever impressed with people or their things.  Many people are however, impressed with others, by what others say & do, because there is a deeper emotion running through and ruling their decision making…because in the moments people are given the opportunity to step higher within themselves, they fail.  In the corrective seconds you are called to higher consciousness in the alone one on one mirrored space in ya brain or heart you still fail to honor true reflections (i.e. truth).

And I know that among the objectionable/deadly sins, envy runs high….people outwardly laugh and ridicule and talk about the very things they envy.  Look at Oprah & Steadman – people said….she has all of that and the man still won’t marry her, not knowing if it were reversed or if it was of mutual decision.  What people were really saying is “damn, I wish I could call my own shots like that”….I wish I could design and create my next steps, my movements so they look exactly how I envision them to, just like Oprah.  Or the quite common run in with a “friend” who wants to tell you that you’ve put on weight meanwhile, that very person is bigger than you (sometimes by whopping sizes) and a hotter mess.  The Schadenfreude in people cannot be contained, envy speaks/sneaks through, even if nothing gets said…the presence of it is as big as the proverbial elephant in the room.  Should the expectation be one of others being able to stand you?  I think those we stand and those that stand us, is only possible through grace.  But you can expect envy, enmity, disdain, and hate in your holy places, in your educational institutions, everywhere, expect it.  You know why?  Because People ain’t shit, and that includes you & me (maybe these interactions are matters of comeuppance).

It’s one of the reasons people get excited about places, food and material things and rarely other people.  It’s as if everyone has sipped from a gigantic cup of champagne from the moment they awake, and they get decked out in their best garb so others can check them out, before they leave home they grab their rose-colored glasses off the tabletop, put them on, grab more liquor & head out into the world to deal with others who’ve just done the same exercise.  Now everyone is equal parts giddy, foolish and blind and can only take each other that way.  You have to take me sober & If u tried while in this state, I’d chase Ur buzz away.  Truth tellers have been placed in your midst on purpose & by design.  The one person who U think is a party pooper, perhaps not so friendly, or nice, the sober one who always manages to kill Ur high, is probably there to teach u something or save your damn life.

As always, until next time–act like you know…

Schemain, an acquired taste~