To my beloved children, please know that I chose to have you and that I wanted you. No one loved you more than me, to that I solemnly swear. I hope that you forgive me for my shortcomings and for the areas where I failed you, I hope that one day you can fully understand what a heavy call to duty being a parent is. You were my reasons for fighting forward and pushing onward, you were my peace & solace. You kept me alive with your smiles and innocence & promise. An only child given 2 precious human beings to help me soften the hard edges that living life caused. I thank you for being in my life. There are no words that can capture the depth of feeling & emotion & love & thoughts & everything that you both mean to me.
Should my death precede my mother’s & if it doesn’t-I want this said! speak it into the universe so that wherever she is, she can hear me. I love you.
I struggled with my less than stellar behavior as a daughter, you deserved better than I gave. I thank you for your strength, and for your example.
To the women who connected with me on a soul level, I thank you. I thank you for the reflections of myself, either the good or the bad, the things lacking and the things well or over developed. The spiritual connection has been a divine gift, by grace I was bestowed the honor of your friendship.
~Please play Donny Hathaways “A Song For You” three times (in succession)~
What “they” said would depend on who “they” were, it will undoubtedly vary & that’s a promise. Areas where it’s impossible to argue: I was a stickler for specifics, I held you to what you said, not what you meant. Always on time & impatient with other’s who practiced tardiness. My word was my bond. I had high standards for all interactions with other humans, including children & I didnt issue any passes and didn’t cosign any bullshit. Tough, fearless, honest to a fault & at times brutal, almost too much. Agressive, mannish, unemotional, robotic titanium, stern/mean, and no nonsense inspite of my petite frame. I was an excellent enough of a mother w/o question! that I was forward thinking & acting. A go getter, driven, determined and focused. Thought I was right most times & not many people could tell me different. A reveler, a partaker of the arts, all things cultural, a traveler, a lover of experiences, places, things, including passionate beautiful men. Liked and lost many, loved a few. One who said no to marriage twice (don’t count the 3rd), cause it never “felt” right…who believed that it just wasn’t in the stars for me (but open to the surprise of). It wasn’t my story, the white dress, ring & husband (but open to the surprise of). Schemain gave it to you raw & real. “They” often said that you either loved or hated me, simply no in between (though I know a few who fell in that category). Addicted to luxury, in a humble way & accepted other’s despite what they were drawn to. I don’t think anyone would question that I lived open, without rules, without shame. As much as was w/in my control, I did it my way. Loyal & trustworthy, my actions were genuine. A tough exterior, hard to crack & it didn’t usually. They loved me despite & for that I was grateful and truly appreciative. Gifted with the tongue, and the written word, a resource. Intolerant of the slow. A social recluse who was available for those I had high regard for. That I hated to “talk”, would rather “write” it or type it or text it. That I drove way too fast & perhaps not as skillfully as I thought, but regardless of what they say: I know that I had an impact on many, though that wasn’t a conscious wish & I feel somewhat accomplished. If I said one thing to one person ever, that changed their life for the better, I am content.
I do apologize to all those I’ve wronged in ways too numerous to list. I was a work in progress…hopefully by the time this is being read I would have gotten closer to that than any potential I possessed. What “they” say & what I would say would differ…I feel it unecessary to mention or explain why…I just want people to tell the truth of what they knew, including knowing that they may have been wrong or very right…above all that though, I don’t care what people say about me, not now & not then. I want them to say what they feel, but I would hope that they feel to say nothing if they have nothing good to say, out of respect for the dead. Common deceny, just have some fucking respect.
― Ernest Hemingway