To love or not…

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately.  I mean of course it crosses my mind sporadically like weight gain and vacation plans, but I’ve been especially contemplative of late.  These thoughts have been spurred on by those in relationships around me, and by my own.  I’ve been having conversations of the plentiful kind about the why’s and such…why are relationships so tumultuous & fragile.  How are they even possible or how is it that we can even stand another human being for any extended period of time to call ourselves relating; having relations; and in full-fledged relationships?

Definition of RELATIONSHIP: noun \-shən-ˌship\ 1: the state of being related or interrelated <studied the relationship between the variables 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a : kinship b : a specific instance or type of kinship 3a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings <had a good relationship with his family> b : a romantic or passionate attachment

I love the dictionary, I could be way smarter than I am (that’s off topic though)…OK so I’m going to share my philosophy (speculative & observational) on this thing from a flawed human’s perspective (those who know me, know that I always think I’m right).

I’d been single for forever and I kinda forgot what it felt like to be in an exclusive relationship and frankly, I didn’t long for the usual “ish” that comes with it, I was solid in my singledom.  I actually feel like oftentimes being single is more beneficial and peaceful than being in a “thing” (relationship*).  I liken relationships to shoes…We all have a really nice pair that is loved…loving everything, but especially how it looks, but it just doesn’t ever fit perfectly without irritation or flat-out pain on some days.  You thought that after time, with wear, they’d get comfortable.  Because of that hope coupled with your investment – you refuse not to wear them.  You refuse to let them go, retire them, or perhaps just give them away to someone else who they may actually fit well/better.  What happens?  As I see it, 1 of 2 things, 1. You decide you’re gonna wear them until they give in because they can’t get the best of you. Downside: It comes at a cost, discomfort.  Maybe changes to your foot, perhaps there’s a blister.  Or there’s a corn, soreness/redness and ultimately you’re scarred.  2. You decide, you’ll only wear them sometimes, and after years you finally reconcile that they’ve gotta go, ultimately a waste. Downside: It comes at a cost, wasted energy & resources & maybe changes to your foot, perhaps there’s a blister. Or there’s a corn, soreness/redness and ultimately you’re scarred.

Is it my summation that relationships leave people scarred?  Yes.  But that’s not as big of deal as the feelings that the word “scarred” conjures.  We’re all scarred, but people don’t like the word because of its implications, yet we all are, so what?!  This is more sensory, and subconsciously we understand this but consciously admitting “weakness & vulnerability” can be counterintuitive for many and daunting.  Conversely and interestingly there are scars we never see or know of because they are not visible to the eye/touch…but exist subcutaneously.  Listen, being chased by Bruno, the resident stray Doberman on Prospect Ave. on the Bklyn block where I grew up for over a year has left little love for dogs (but especially big ones) and we all can cite instances that have changed us, both through small & big occurrences….things we’ll never forget (they left scars).

This is life right, and many things are certain and us being scarred is one of them, none of us escapes unscathed.  Life is comprised of both controllable & uncontrollable variables that affect everything in our lives; the reality is that things happen to us.  It is unfortunate but the reality is we grow or regress, in different directions at different times & sometimes we collide (good or bad).  I like to think that it’s in these moments that we are able to connect with another human being, and create friendships/relationships or end them.  Loving is risky business, because we’re ever-changing, with no guarantees in place.  And for the person, who has diligently held fast, ignored, suppressed and remained committed in their relationship, it ending is a double dose of insult, pain, anger, and injury.  What do you do when you feel as if you given your all and the other person hasn’t or ups and quits?  What do you do when your relationship is on the serious fritz?  What do you do when you’ve “been” a wife & mother for a damn decade?  Or a doting husband for 15/20/30 years?  What is it that any of us does after a failed investment?

To say you gotta pick yourself up and dust yourself off makes it sound like you shouldn’t “feel” or “act” a certain way but that isn’t true.  You gotta embrace the pain to get past it, it’s got to be cared for or it will remain unhealed.  People think of caring for their hearts differently than say a deeply cut finger they might lose if it wasn’t properly cared for.  Believe it or not there are ointments and treatment plans for a broken/aching heart.  Talking; venting; crying; therapy; grieving; drinking; dancing, I digress but you get the idea~

There is still a lot of hope left to reach wherever it is that you’re tying to go or whoever it is that you’re trying to become.  As you move past this chapter, you’ll find a new self that may not like being alone or in a newly single status but you’ll know that you saved yourself along the way on this road called life.  You’ll know that you threw yourself a life jacket when you saw that you were drowning beyond depths you could survive.  What more can we expect or even ask of others?  Things are always subject to change, agreements subject to revision and relationships always hang in the balance.  When we choose coupledom we leave ourselves open to the whims of another…and we can’t ever forget that.  And when it’s all said and done, only you know if it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I know that there are some things I’d rather not go through or “feel” and while I’m not sure about loving vs. not…I do believe it “serendipitous” to connect even for a time because in the face of so much, relationships defy sensibilities and logic.  In fact we should be pleasantly surprised that we are ever liked, let alone loved, by anyone.

*relationship is inclusive of marriage.

As always, until next time–act like you know…

Schemain, an acquired taste~

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People Ain’t Shit~

I haven’t been the easily loving kind.  By my definition, that’s the kind of person who is always in love or in some relationship or dealing with another, good or bad.  Never been one to look for that or yearn for it…Not saying that makes me better or worse than others, I’m just speaking from my perspective, my truth.  People think their opinions matter more than yours (that’s so funny to me) but I digress~

think lots of people love out of lack, out of weakness based on intrinsic constitutions, or through learned/acquired behaviors.  Settling for the wrong things & people, oftentimes this topic gets muddied because it is one that people feel vehemently about in addition to so many other issues infiltrating relationships, that people oftentimes don’t even know what it is that is exactly wrong or right with their relationship or even how the hell they “ended” up with a particular person.

I have always known that no one should “end” up with me, and that I wouldn’t want nor choose anyone that I was just “ending” up with.  It’s not as if you’re stuck playing some weird carnival game and no matter how hard you try to shoot the water straight into the hole of the clowns mouth, you just can’t and you end up with some loser’s prize, still something but nothing you really wanted.  I’m not that! and any man who I choose to be all of myself with has to be…on the flip side, all of that himself.  A win win.  I can be counted among the many who vibe to the song by Jagged Edge “Lets get married” – however, I don’t want to ever sing that about “my” love life.  Queue words & play:  We ain’t gettin no younger we might as well do it. Been feelin’ you all the while girl I must confess. Girl let’s just get married I just want to get married.

Ah, no thanks…It has been long speculated that people get married for the ring, the dress, and the pomp & circumstance of the ceremony/production.  In my Kanye voice “Just to be like yal ain’t up on this”!!!  I think people walk around under created disguises, and since they partly believe the lies they’ve told themselves they expect or want you to believe them too.  Believe nothing! Buddha said: “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”

Simple, but people like believing what they see from their mind’s eye not the tangible done or shown…And that’s what has led to the preponderance of the “ended” up in many situations (you name it) crew.  You ended up with that dude not because of who he is, but because of who you are or who you are not.  You ended up with that trifling wife, not because of who she is but because of who you are.  Maybe you were blinded by beauty, brains, money, power, etc. etc. etc.  Maybe you found yourself in a situation and made another wrong move only to compound your first wrong move, that happens.  Take for instance all the millions of people universally, regardless of race, culture, and religion who get married because of pregnancy.  I don’t know if it is actually commendable or respectable to show good face in situations like these or if it is more honorable to say…I’m cutting my losses here, I’ll be there for the baby and to help you but I do not think we should get married.  People have been taught how to behave (and how they should be) but the art of conquering society, dictates that you have to know when application of certain practices should take place.  People are walking mockeries of everything possible in existence under the sun.  So you get married because you’re having a baby, to someone who you may or may not know, to someone who you may or may not like/love, to someone you may want or not, because your stronger wish is for “people” to know something about you, perception wise.  You want people to know that despite being a fornicator, you have enough “sense” to do what’s right, in the eyes of GOD and society…as if either of those two things were part of your prior considerations.  That is arguably a sucker move!!  You believed “them”??  So they said that your child wouldn’t be born a bastard if you got married first?  Or is it that your child isn’t a bastard if a father is listed on the birth certificate?  Or is it that you’re confused?  It’s all perception right, because if you talk to a pro-lifer, they’d say that an embryo is a child – so wouldn’t that make your child a bastard from the beginning?  See when you run in 5 block mazes of your brain, your actions are always predictable because you are seeking acceptance at large.  Instead of that, you should be trying to figure out why you have the urge and want to do so (to please others to this extent).  But who am I right?  Just someone with a damn opinion or perspective (smile)…and what I love about all of us, is that no matter what we say or believe, we are all hypocritical.  I love the irony in that, its like the ankle weight placed by GOD* to keep you grounded because if it were not for that, you’d be high on yourself when you have enough reasons NOT to be.
*God or Universe, or whatever you believe…

I’ll tell you something else too…I haven’t been the easily loving kind, because I know people ain’t shit.  That’s why I think hypocrisy is built innately into all of us.  That’s why you are some parts the very things you don’t like.  And though you may feel powerful all the way down to your fingertips, there are reasons why you aren’t.  That’s why despite the grandiosity of circumstance, people still feel helpless and weak and average and still not good enough.  The physical make up of the human is a marvel, yet despite all the veins and parts so intricately designed to work well with each other, that depend on each other for sustenance to help you live and function – – can do no more to help you with the day to daying of it all, despite your unique design you still ain’t shit.  I love that!  I love that no one can get too big for their britches because your cumulative life experience, self contributed and by that of others has made you, me, us, definable in many ways!  Therefore I’m not ever impressed with people or their things.  Many people are however, impressed with others, by what others say & do, because there is a deeper emotion running through and ruling their decision making…because in the moments people are given the opportunity to step higher within themselves, they fail.  In the corrective seconds you are called to higher consciousness in the alone one on one mirrored space in ya brain or heart you still fail to honor true reflections (i.e. truth).

And I know that among the objectionable/deadly sins, envy runs high….people outwardly laugh and ridicule and talk about the very things they envy.  Look at Oprah & Steadman – people said….she has all of that and the man still won’t marry her, not knowing if it were reversed or if it was of mutual decision.  What people were really saying is “damn, I wish I could call my own shots like that”….I wish I could design and create my next steps, my movements so they look exactly how I envision them to, just like Oprah.  Or the quite common run in with a “friend” who wants to tell you that you’ve put on weight meanwhile, that very person is bigger than you (sometimes by whopping sizes) and a hotter mess.  The Schadenfreude in people cannot be contained, envy speaks/sneaks through, even if nothing gets said…the presence of it is as big as the proverbial elephant in the room.  Should the expectation be one of others being able to stand you?  I think those we stand and those that stand us, is only possible through grace.  But you can expect envy, enmity, disdain, and hate in your holy places, in your educational institutions, everywhere, expect it.  You know why?  Because People ain’t shit, and that includes you & me (maybe these interactions are matters of comeuppance).

It’s one of the reasons people get excited about places, food and material things and rarely other people.  It’s as if everyone has sipped from a gigantic cup of champagne from the moment they awake, and they get decked out in their best garb so others can check them out, before they leave home they grab their rose-colored glasses off the tabletop, put them on, grab more liquor & head out into the world to deal with others who’ve just done the same exercise.  Now everyone is equal parts giddy, foolish and blind and can only take each other that way.  You have to take me sober & If u tried while in this state, I’d chase Ur buzz away.  Truth tellers have been placed in your midst on purpose & by design.  The one person who U think is a party pooper, perhaps not so friendly, or nice, the sober one who always manages to kill Ur high, is probably there to teach u something or save your damn life.

As always, until next time–act like you know…

Schemain, an acquired taste~

 

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I have no problem being uncivilized~

My General disclaimer:

I use my abilities to be socially responsible…its my responsibility to others (at large) that I check you if you need to be checked.  Consider it my contribution based on my global consideration!  And don’t for a moment think that I like having to do so, similar to anyone who provides instruction about the right way to do something (i.e. teachers/professors, parents, etc.) it comes at a toll, expending of energy – physical & mental.  But alas, it must be done.  However, brevity is NOT my strong suit, and I make up words when I feel like it (this ain’t about literary preciseness).  Life experience has made me an expert! An empirical existentialist.
My strong point of view has led me here:  civility (plural civilities 1.Politeness; an individual act or a manner of behaving which conforms to social conventions of propriety.
I believe that there is such a thing as too much civility.  People misbehave because they don’t expect to be checked.  People hedge their bets and take calculated risks, or chances after assessing that a thing or person appears safe enough to approach.  They don’t factor in or believe that you are the exception to the rule but instead believe that you’re the norm, you know…the expected.  Blinded by their selfish desire to have what or who they want, they take a chance that you are not that molotov cocktail.  That you won’t be the one who is going to dismantle their life with the wife and kids (i.e. Tiger, Kobe, Bill Clinton, etc.etc.etc.).  With an over inflated sense of self, many men think they can control or steer predictability in terms of women’s behavior and actions.  Conversely, lots of men believe that “they” are the exception to the rule generally when dealing with women.
I can’t stand lots of things, but I especially can’t stand that many many men cannot realize when they have NO chance with a particular woman.  I can’t stand that many many men cannot recognize when their presence is unwanted & unwelcomed.  I can’t stand that many many men don’t know when to quit while ahead, when to stay in their lane…many many men should know that some women are just out of their league (period!).  That’s the plain truth and of course there are women who are just out of a particular man’s league as well, but I’m speaking from the new woman’s perspective!
Part of the problem however is women, who need to do a better job of being uncivilized (read the definition)…

uncivilized 1.crudebarbarouswilduncultured 2.used to describe people who display a marked lack of manners as defined by a given culture 3.used to describe behaviours deemed savage or inappropriate

Once a man approaches a woman, that woman should decide if that man meets her criteria, because obviously she has met his or a portion of it or he wouldn’t be over there all in her face (hence his presence or intrusion).  And yes, oftentimes its just a plain old intrusion, not a compliment or something one should be flattered by.  If I’m having cocktails & round table conversations with my girls, why are you over here?  I didn’t blink an eye at you and I didn’t display any gestures that invited you over.  But you still come over with your crass, lame and corny intro…”excuse me ladies, I don’t mean to interrupt”…PAUSE….Yes you do, because if you don’t mean to interrupt, then why are you?  What happened to old school charm that came from a man’s sense of pride?  What happened to the bartender telling you that the gent across the bar, simply wanted to greet you with your choice of drink?  What happened to exchanging glances, and then smiles?  What happened to the non verbal ways of communicating your interest?  If I have provided you with no “clues” chances are THAT is my clue, why is that so hard to “figure” out?  Men feel like they know women better than women know themselves, so since you know so much, ya shoulda known not to bring ur azz over here!
This is where women drop the ball, because what happens next has become the sad standard.  Instead of being truthful in that very moment with that man, women play games or start the process of how they get played.  Women allow men to think that they are more pleasing and acceptable than they are because their criteria has been shoddy for quite a while.  Some women are just happy to have any attention from a man, some women entertain these intrusions because she feels it’s an unspoken one up on the rest of the girls in the crew (because he picked you).  Some women know off bat if a man is just a waste of her time but maybe she wants a drink, or maybe she wants to get laid, or maybe she can find use for him at some later date, and so begins the dance.  If that man doesn’t meet your criteria (whatever those are), be courageous enough to dismiss or let him down with some couth and decorum before you get uncivilized, because his dejection is likely to garner a predictable male combustion of a response for which women are typically ready for.  If he doesn’t know how to take you & already feels like “you’re on some shit” be prepared, because there’s fitting to be some wild out in the streets!  Sour grapes usually manifest in the form of various jabs, digs, or what a man may believe to be an insult.  I’m sure these will be quite familiar to you: 1. You weren’t cute anyway, with ya ugly azz or how about 2. That’s the problem with black women, that’s why I don’t date yal anyway! and how about this universal gem 3.” F” you then!
Sidebar~When was the last time you saw a woman attempt to berate or shout down a man because he didn’t respond to her trying to “holler” at him?  Now don’t get me wrong, a woman might definitely berate a man she knows based on “their” experiences but how many times on street corners or clubs or any public place have you heard women doling out cuss words on men just cause he didn’t “accept” her advances??  (think about it, count up those times, riiiight).
People* overstep boundaries based on the nature of a given relationship.  Taking liberties that given the situation they would not take otherwise.  They exhibit a bit of brazen boldness coupled with impudent assurance and insolence (known as gall).  Using language & words that would ordinarily lead straight to getting cussed out or an ass whooping.  But when people make an imposition of you it’s essentially a combination platter~they again don’t believe that u are a molotov cocktail and or that you reserve the right to “check” misconceptions, perceptions, people, and statements as necessary.  That perhaps, you will turn the proverbial other cheek or take the high road if you catch their side drifts, back handedness, sarcasm or true implications.  IT’s on occasions like these that being civilized is neither required or recommended. You have authority within reason* to set your bags n’ stuff down on that high road, tuck your shirt in, and lace up your shoes so that you can jump over & down on the low road…to digress.
I’ll tell you why…people NEED to be checked, it’s necessary for their growth!  Even if the situation or one similar does not rile you to the point of warranting action~today, not yesterday or last week…BUT TODAY, there’s fitting to be some wild out in the streets!  I’m gonna set it off, but what’s even more baffling is that wilding out in the streets is almost always followed by bewilderment & retaliation, albeit an exercise in passive aggressive futility.  People feign ignorance or cite it, and then attempt to make “it” about you but it’s about them & how none of this would have occurred had they kept their mouth shut.  It is their own desire that propels them & catapults them forward and into hellbent action towards satisfaction, it’s about them, not you!  Provocation usually incites others, so when you impose or overstep boundaries why would you logically anticipate a response different from all the aforementioned?  That’s because, people hedge bets that someone will pussy-foot around an answer or that they’ll punk up after bully behavior.  But when they get mauled, maimed or the like…they wonder what happened and where it all went wrong (shaking my head in dismay).  Caveats & warning labels aren’t issued for people who “get”it, if you’re clueless then you get owned and checked.
THE question however becomes at what point did it appear OK for you to “pet me” with your words or admonitions?  When did I ask for you to advance on me?  Do you know what I want or need?  How is it that you feel at ease operating from this vantage point of self entitlement??  When you make an imposition, what you are in effect saying is that you do not respect my time.  Why else would you attempt to boggle me down in the minutia of the words coming out of your mouth?  I demand the respect that people are generally unwilling to give and shame on me if I allow you to continue being inconsiderate with your willy nilly approaches.  I KNOW that it is because you’ve been allowed to run rampant similarly, that this social disregard for formally established rules, traditions, practices & etiquette has become skewed for you.
If you received training/instruction – do you practice general disregard or is it “person specific”?  It would appease me, to at least know that you are aware of the difference and of your culpability, but more likely than not you’ve bought into so many “other” things – this lesson escapes you as being continuously relevant & worthy of consistent application.  Which leads to intention and the power of it.  Its been said that it is in that place where thoughts birth into action.  My argument is this…of what significance is “intent” when the end result or the sum of your parts don’t match or align?  Are we then to debate your intentions or are we to examine the effects?   It is only when people’s intentions meet a positive outcome that the value of intentions become worth discussing. Intentions are oft explained in situations gone awry.  Break down the connotation of the word – it usually involves explanation of how & where something went wrong OR about something that has yet to come to fruition.  So you intended to call?  Or you intended to show up 3 hours ago like you said you would?  You intended to call me on my birthday 8 days ago and you intended to leave your unhappy marriage.  Women don’t want to discuss men’s damn intentions, they want to discuss actions or inaction.   When do we decide that we are too big for certain situations and invariably behaviors and people?  Can you determine if you are too big for someone?  Truth, involves mathematics which requires further thought beyond the obvious (use a calculator to arrive at an answer faster than hand/mind mulling over at unnecessary length).  When you want an answer, you have to at least have an idea of how you plan to arrive at it, what’s the formula?  People don’t want to do the math because ah ha!!!  They’re afraid that they don’t possess the knowledge to arrive at any definitive answers.  Sometimes you do the math correctly & still disbelieve the answer, perhaps because you’ve miscalculated all along.  Balancing a checkbook is proof of such pudding, surely you didn’t spend that much (sometimes you look back, like wtf?) and the remaining balance is lower than you’d been thinking, how could you be so off?…these are the implications of misjudging.
Some people end up living that lie, knowing things are horribly amiss and really a mess!!! I’ve learned that people welcome delusion.  people settle based on all things circumstantial, why do people feel the urge to dishonor their human side, their frailties, flaws and intricacies by masking authenticity for people who oftentimes are further removed from themselves than you are from yourself? Think about that.  Who set the requirement that women had to be whole or come close to it or at all costs pretend to be so?  Especially for fragmented men.  How is this man who is less parts whole than you are, your consideration for altering yourself?  Think about that.  The woman in the mirror can become grotesquely unrecognizable when she practices self deceit.  Until women can confront the ugly parts of themselves, of their shortcomings, ineptitude & willingness and welcoming of someone they intuitively suspect to be undeserving, their cycles of pretensions will continue to manifest, because fundamentally their self-worth is lacking or waivers and fleets upon whims.  As a matter of fact, our self respect collectively has been bartered, bending and relaxing to near invisibility in the wake of the degradation of society.  This same “society” that we have allowed to dictate expectations in status quo fashion regardless of its “fit” individually.  Our relationships are crapshoots because we have arrived at a place where our state of affairs are deplorable & out-of-order.  Not even enough to scrounge up a bowl full nor a morsel to make 1/2 of a gesture to provide sustenance.  We are walking reflections of our own woundedness ~ now we want to own and lay claim to things and people, that are of no value.
Its been said that we’re raising a generation of hyper sensitive people.  People who practice unhealthiness, happily.  What the world needs now isn’t love! What the world needs now is an understanding.  A revisiting of processes that worked, because if one more idiot says he was just trying to be nice , my request simply is that you don’t!  Just be yourself, Jeez! (nice, mean, indifferent or whatever).  I don’t need or want you to keep up appearances because you don’t want to appear inflexible or difficult, mean etc..  That conditioning is for robots who like a rote existence.  To my point, post-haste (tongue in cheek)…civility is overstated, over used and oftentimes not to our benefit or that of others but au contraire many would rather march on to their detriment.
I have a special regard for those who are at peace with their eccentricities, etc. etc. to be self-aware on a level where being out the box isn’t a goal to be reached because it’s where they already exist.  I read an article in a well-known magazine that I can’t recall or place, but it was one of the expensive ones.  Lauryn Hill’s then controversial aesthetics graced the cover and I purchased it based on my aforementioned predilection of like characteristics in others.  Though that article is at least 9 years old what struck me and resonated within my soul was Lauryn’s answer to the question posed about the lackluster response of her then newly released unplugged album & her MTV unplugged performance.  The question eluded that people thought both failed, due to in large part a seemingly public fraying of her edges, and undoing.  To which Ms. Hill responded (to paraphrase)….”I had to realize that I wasn’t average and once I did, I stopped expecting the average to understand, to get or to comprehend me, simply because they cannot. What more needs to be said?
When someone hits you with truth, learn to acquire a taste for it.  When you ask, and I answer…thank me.  If I say I’m not interested, applaud that I’d rather tell you than use you.   If you get “wild” or flippant with me expect that “I” will get “wild” or flippant with you (I may not, but expect it).  If you ask me for my name & number and I say that I didn’t come to the bar for conversation and that furthermore I’m not interested, just bow out maturely.  If you see someone and they look unapproachable, err on the side of caution that they do not want to be approached & keep it moving.  Stop forcing yourself on others!! In any capacity, if you’ve called and gotten no call back – stop calling.  If you offer to buy a drink & I decline because I’m with others and it would be rude of me to accept while they have none, then just leave or just buy everyone a drink but remember I didn’t ask you for anything and I’m not obligated to have you in my cipher because you just spent $32 on a round (eye roll).  I spend $32 at lunch, so don’t “expect” something more than a given situation calls for!  I have no problem being uncivilized because I don’t care what people think about me, or how I look or seem to  a bunch of lost souls.
Until my next blog – act like you know.
*wild out within reason unless you’re trying to go to jail, truly have a physical fight, get hurt or worse.
*references of “people” means any human, i.e. your mother, bff or whomever!

Schemain, an acquired taste~

 

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Listen…part 2

Question?  If I send you a body of written words, in a text, an email, or a letter and it has a small misspelled word in the body of that text, is it necessary for me to send a follow up correcting that one simple word? Conceptually the gist of what I’m saying to you should still be discernible.  Clarification should not be necessary when something is already simplified but I find that people like things overstated…a thing elegant in its simplicity is never enough.

So on to the business at hand, in other words it goes without saying that there are Black men who are very different from those highlighted in the blog “listen Black Man…Closely” and who are very relevant based on their actions and also their contributions.  It would defy logic to “think” otherwise, conversely it goes without saying that there are Black women who are not saints, nor without blame and culpability for situations and circumstances they can be found in.  It is not my intent to actually provide statistical data to really figure this out, though I’m willing to bet that those numbers are uglier than any words I have to say or rather, that Black men “hear”.  I will leave that legwork for someone else who is into numbers, I’m into words so I’ll focus my energies there, yet I remain open to anyone who wants to share those enlightened figures.  It has been said, that your conscience will either accuse you or excuse you, and with that your behavior will follow suit.  To be open minded means that you cannot always be in “drive”…at times you have to get in neutral so that you do not misunderstand or miss the message.  My statements should not have to be qualified if one is using powers of inference, and additional faculties to process content vs. reacting to words.

To be taken seriously on any account, one must first take ownership for all that has been done “wrong”…if not, things won’t ever get right and that’s just elementary, secondarily “things” have to be done, action is the process of getting things accomplished.  Good faith steps that build trust, upon promises made, both those unsolicited and solicited.  Where there exists absence of consistent application, a breakdown runs amuck. Black folks always want to take issue with other Black folks who they feel are putting their business on Front Street because it is in front of people who they collectively feel do not grasp the Black experience, yet the behaviors of those same Black folks get paraded right in front of those same people.  How hypocritical…unthoughtful…and unevolved to project out and not inward at one’s self.  What then is the alternative?  Tell me Black people, what forum should Bill Cosby use to address the masses of Black people with a message that he feels is relevant.  Whether people want to hear a message or not, is not an indication of its merit, or validity.  Too many Black folks want to be pacified, and have their hands held.  Or they want things kept quiet or amongst “us” yet the buffoonery and present day coonery is highlighted on TV, in magazines and any other public place for the world to see.  That’s the reason you’re Black wherever you go, not solely because you’re forever tied to the dehumanization of slavery, but also because you are/we are the face of a people who still to date, have failed to get “IT” right.  That’s why your credibility is shot before you arrive anywhere, that’s why you get sideways glances across continents, and establishments.  In every failure of this people, you have set beliefs, perceptions and conceptions to stone.  Yal need to get past the sting of words and address the “reality” between the Black man & Black woman because this unequivocally isn’t a complaint, it’s a diagnosis.

Curiously, tell me where you think these stories should air?  The ones like the shortage of Black men to those of “together” Black women {http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJGMAhWpDF8}?  Where do the meetings of Black minds take place?  In the media right, that’s where yal congregate, so why should anything that ever needs to be said to you or about you get said elsewhere?  Are yal in church?  Are yal in the mosque?  Are yal in the community centers?  Are yal big brothers to kids without role models?  Are yal in the “homes” you helped create?  Are you present?  Are you providing?  Are you giving something somewhere to someone?  Are you paying it forward?  Are you concerned with anyone consistently other than yourself?  Where yal at?  What movements are you down with and for?  Million man march?  Did you show up for the last rally to stop the killings in your community?  Were you present for Genarlow Wilson?  What about for Abner Louima?  What about the last ten boys murdered in your neighborhood, did you know them?  How many mothers have you comforted?  What about the countless suffering in your backyard?  What do you do consistently?  Have you voted?  (and not just for Barack either).  How many dope dealing friends do you have?  How many of your friends are trifling and fit this bill even if you don’t?  How many child support payments have you missed?  What & how many single mothers have you created?  How many good girls gone bad are you responsible for?  What lives have you guided, shaped or guide & shape?  What have you done in this life with your life?  Where and on what, are you expending your energies?

When things fall apart, know why.  When someone talks about it, know that it couldn’t get spoken about without there being some frame of reference.  If you want for us to communicate differently with each other or about each other, we must first begin communicating, no?  But that’s right, we can’t stand each other because mentalities are still lynched and you continue to practice self hate to extreme levels of cultural sabotage.  When you hate on, back stab, back bite, belittle, disrespect, undervalue, and envy your brothers who have done nothing to you but simply exist, you just hate yourself!  You misclassify your sisters and mothers with out-of-place and out-of-order comparisons.  Your misogynistic approaches have not been secret; your proclivity towards anyone other than the reflections of your sisters and mothers is well documented.  This “acting out” is far too commonplace in too many Black communities, when does the “acting in” begin?  When will the Black man begin to address his shortcomings, flaws, frailties and inadequacies?  Your broken communities, and broken homes and broken lives, and broken women and broken children are all the proof needed to substantiate these words.  There are over populated jail cells, over populated corners & over populated graves with innumerous Black male faces confirming this tale.

(http://www.africanamericanimages.com/aai/Willie%20Lynch.htm )

There is an existing personification of every stereotype; it’s just a matter of which one you fit.  Don’t get sensitive, get proactive.  Don’t get bent out of shape over what gets said, get bent out of shape that you have done nothing but belly ache and complain and get mad at Black women for calling you out on the carpet.  Black women despite being thrust in identical situations and circumstances and origins and challenges as the Black man, have somehow managed to rise, up and out.  Rise beyond many of our own shortcomings, flaws, frailties and inadequacies to manifest positive change in staggering numbers compared to you, Black man.  A disparity continues to exist and we want to know why?  We are tired of being the fall guy for the Black man, we are tired of trying to raise Black boys alone and then getting criticized for doing so inadequately, we are tired of father’s day wishes and filling in the gaps where you fall short, we are TIRED of you being mad at us for being what you are not!

Carter G. Woodson said:  “If you can control a man’s thinking, you don’t have to worry about his actions.  If you can determine what a man thinks you do not have to worry about what he will do.  If you can make a man believe that he is inferior, you don’t have to compel him to seek an inferior status, he will do so without being told and if you can make a man believe that he is justly an outcast, you don’t have to order him to the back door, he will go to the back door on his own and if there is no back door, the very nature of the man will demand that you build one.

Quit wreaking havoc in your own backyards and then attempting to over simplify something quite complex by reducing Black women to faulty classifications based on our appearance, and attitudes.  You* continue to say that we ain’t cute enough and we don’t act right and that’s why you do what you do.  Really?  Well you have it wrong, and I just told you why you don’t “like” us.  So quit feeding the world BS about us, because we don’t feed the world BS about you, you do that.

Now some of you may not be that man today but have you been?  Where are your casualties?  Remember, growth is not a negation of former practice, or of its affects.  Begin thinking and reflecting and correcting, the black woman remains hopeful~

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” T. ROOSEVELT

Lest any confusion exist ~ I am madly in love with a GREAT Black man and I celebrate him and the countless Black men that this does not, has not and will not apply to.  Keep being the paradigm that Black women need to see (special acknowledgement to the father’s).

*The words we and you have been used to capture the “sum” of many.

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Listen Black Man…Closely~

The Black man thinks himself an authority on the Black woman, yet  he knows little about himself.  Black men always want to talk about Black women’s attitudes without addressing its origin.  Black men always want to mention how angry the Black woman seems, without taking note of all of the reasons that she justifiably has to be so.  Face it!  Men like convenience, including behavior that they deem “proper”.  The Black man has grown to expect the very things that he fails to execute.  The Black man is no happier than the Black woman, he just thinks he is…especially from the position he’s chosen to perch himself from, coincidentally the same place he’s always been.  High in the clouds, foggy from all the bullshit he’s been fed by a society that devalues him, so he devalues the one made just for him.  That’s certainly ass backwards and reckless, don’t you think?  Black men here’s something you might not know…Black women recognize your shit! Generations & generations of it!  At what point do you think we should get “FULL” of it?  The disdain, the attitude and anger that you encounter, or witness is because you make us sick.  In our ongoing attempt to love you and stand by you, you make it difficult with your subpar ways~

As “mouthy” as you find the Black woman, we find you quite the same.  When last have you spoken what you wanted to hear?  When last have you given the very thing you wanted to receive?  The Black man has been way too intolerant of “us” for too long.  Perhaps “we” need to stray, just like “he” does.  Taking shelter under new covers, accepting men regardless of color, connection & comprehension of “our” experience–especially since you, Black man–have mastered the practice of this for years.  Maybe then we can put our lists of gripes about you away (albeit temporarily or forever).  Maybe then we can bury our lists of your inadequacies & start dealing with men who have less baggage.  If you think the Black woman is the problem or the root of it, therein lies the biggest joke of all time!  The Black woman see’s the Black man–all that he is & is not…because of this “we” continue to hold on to shards of what we “heard” you once were.  Though we have yet to meet this Black man, we believe he existed & still can, still does.  We “heard” that you use to be Kings and I hope that we were treated royally, acknowledged, accepted, revered & loved, then…if not, when?  I heard you use to love my Black skin, now you can’t stand it, nor the one you’re in.  You’ve become laughable, truly.  Look around, you’ve been the world’s fool…and still~

Therefore & moreover…How dare you ask that “we”, remain silent as you insult us & undervalue us, everyday, for all the world to see!  How dare you demand silence & niceness, congeniality & compliance?  On the contrary, I am fired up…I’ve been saying “we” because I know Black women and we share our thoughts, and its no secret that this plight is an epidemic.  Perhaps I’m a little too late after the inclusion of many “we’s” BUT I am fired up at the incredulity of your nature.  So don’t you say a damn thing when I strut by and I’m obviously unimpressed, you’ve given me enough reasons not to be AND that’s more about you, than it is about me.

You, Black Man, need to own that…but oh yeah–How many of you are consistently accountable for your actions?  Right.

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