My General disclaimer:
I use my abilities to be socially responsible…its my responsibility to others (at large) that I check you if you need to be checked. Consider it my contribution based on my global consideration! And don’t for a moment think that I like having to do so, similar to anyone who provides instruction about the right way to do something (i.e. teachers/professors, parents, etc.) it comes at a toll, expending of energy – physical & mental. But alas, it must be done. However, brevity is NOT my strong suit, and I make up words when I feel like it (this ain’t about literary preciseness). Life experience has made me an expert! An empirical existentialist.
I believe that there is such a thing as too much civility. People misbehave because they don’t expect to be checked. People hedge their bets and take calculated risks, or chances after assessing that a thing or person appears safe enough to approach. They don’t factor in or believe that you are the exception to the rule but instead believe that you’re the norm, you know…the expected. Blinded by their selfish desire to have what or who they want, they take a chance that you are not that molotov cocktail. That you won’t be the one who is going to dismantle their life with the wife and kids (i.e. Tiger, Kobe, Bill Clinton, etc.etc.etc.). With an over inflated sense of self, many men think they can control or steer predictability in terms of women’s behavior and actions. Conversely, lots of men believe that “they” are the exception to the rule generally when dealing with women.
I can’t stand lots of things, but I especially can’t stand that many many men cannot realize when they have NO chance with a particular woman. I can’t stand that many many men cannot recognize when their presence is unwanted & unwelcomed. I can’t stand that many many men don’t know when to quit while ahead, when to stay in their lane…many many men should know that some women are just out of their league (period!). That’s the plain truth and of course there are women who are just out of a particular man’s league as well, but I’m speaking from the new woman’s perspective!
Part of the problem however is women, who need to do a better job of being uncivilized (read the definition)…
Once a man approaches a woman, that woman should decide if that man meets her criteria, because obviously she has met his or a portion of it or he wouldn’t be over there all in her face (hence his presence or intrusion). And yes, oftentimes its just a plain old intrusion, not a compliment or something one should be flattered by. If I’m having cocktails & round table conversations with my girls, why are you over here? I didn’t blink an eye at you and I didn’t display any gestures that invited you over. But you still come over with your crass, lame and corny intro…”excuse me ladies, I don’t mean to interrupt”…PAUSE….Yes you do, because if you don’t mean to interrupt, then why are you? What happened to old school charm that came from a man’s sense of pride? What happened to the bartender telling you that the gent across the bar, simply wanted to greet you with your choice of drink? What happened to exchanging glances, and then smiles? What happened to the non verbal ways of communicating your interest? If I have provided you with no “clues” chances are THAT is my clue, why is that so hard to “figure” out? Men feel like they know women better than women know themselves, so since you know so much, ya shoulda known not to bring ur azz over here!
This is where women drop the ball, because what happens next has become the sad standard. Instead of being truthful in that very moment with that man, women play games or start the process of how they get played. Women allow men to think that they are more pleasing and acceptable than they are because their criteria has been shoddy for quite a while. Some women are just happy to have any attention from a man, some women entertain these intrusions because she feels it’s an unspoken one up on the rest of the girls in the crew (because he picked you). Some women know off bat if a man is just a waste of her time but maybe she wants a drink, or maybe she wants to get laid, or maybe she can find use for him at some later date, and so begins the dance. If that man doesn’t meet your criteria (whatever those are), be courageous enough to dismiss or let him down with some couth and decorum before you get uncivilized, because his dejection is likely to garner a predictable male combustion of a response for which women are typically ready for. If he doesn’t know how to take you & already feels like “you’re on some shit” be prepared, because there’s fitting to be some wild out in the streets! Sour grapes usually manifest in the form of various jabs, digs, or what a man may believe to be an insult. I’m sure these will be quite familiar to you: 1. You weren’t cute anyway, with ya ugly azz or how about 2. That’s the problem with black women, that’s why I don’t date yal anyway! and how about this universal gem 3.” F” you then!
Sidebar~When was the last time you saw a woman attempt to berate or shout down a man because he didn’t respond to her trying to “holler” at him? Now don’t get me wrong, a woman might definitely berate a man she knows based on “their” experiences but how many times on street corners or clubs or any public place have you heard women doling out cuss words on men just cause he didn’t “accept” her advances?? (think about it, count up those times, riiiight).
People* overstep boundaries based on the nature of a given relationship. Taking liberties that given the situation they would not take otherwise. They exhibit a bit of brazen boldness coupled with impudent assurance and insolence (known as gall). Using language & words that would ordinarily lead straight to getting cussed out or an ass whooping. But when people make an imposition of you it’s essentially a combination platter~they again don’t believe that u are a molotov cocktail and or that you reserve the right to “check” misconceptions, perceptions, people, and statements as necessary. That perhaps, you will turn the proverbial other cheek or take the high road if you catch their side drifts, back handedness, sarcasm or true implications. IT’s on occasions like these that being civilized is neither required or recommended. You have authority within reason* to set your bags n’ stuff down on that high road, tuck your shirt in, and lace up your shoes so that you can jump over & down on the low road…to digress.
I’ll tell you why…people NEED to be checked, it’s necessary for their growth! Even if the situation or one similar does not rile you to the point of warranting action~today, not yesterday or last week…BUT TODAY, there’s fitting to be some wild out in the streets! I’m gonna set it off, but what’s even more baffling is that wilding out in the streets is almost always followed by bewilderment & retaliation, albeit an exercise in passive aggressive futility. People feign ignorance or cite it, and then attempt to make “it” about you but it’s about them & how none of this would have occurred had they kept their mouth shut. It is their own desire that propels them & catapults them forward and into hellbent action towards satisfaction, it’s about them, not you! Provocation usually incites others, so when you impose or overstep boundaries why would you logically anticipate a response different from all the aforementioned? That’s because, people hedge bets that someone will pussy-foot around an answer or that they’ll punk up after bully behavior. But when they get mauled, maimed or the like…they wonder what happened and where it all went wrong (shaking my head in dismay). Caveats & warning labels aren’t issued for people who “get”it, if you’re clueless then you get owned and checked.
THE question however becomes at what point did it appear OK for you to “pet me” with your words or admonitions? When did I ask for you to advance on me? Do you know what I want or need? How is it that you feel at ease operating from this vantage point of self entitlement?? When you make an imposition, what you are in effect saying is that you do not respect my time. Why else would you attempt to boggle me down in the minutia of the words coming out of your mouth? I demand the respect that people are generally unwilling to give and shame on me if I allow you to continue being inconsiderate with your willy nilly approaches. I KNOW that it is because you’ve been allowed to run rampant similarly, that this social disregard for formally established rules, traditions, practices & etiquette has become skewed for you.
If you received training/instruction – do you practice general disregard or is it “person specific”? It would appease me, to at least know that you are aware of the difference and of your culpability, but more likely than not you’ve bought into so many “other” things – this lesson escapes you as being continuously relevant & worthy of consistent application. Which leads to intention and the power of it. Its been said that it is in that place where thoughts birth into action. My argument is this…of what significance is “intent” when the end result or the sum of your parts don’t match or align? Are we then to debate your intentions or are we to examine the effects? It is only when people’s intentions meet a positive outcome that the value of intentions become worth discussing. Intentions are oft explained in situations gone awry. Break down the connotation of the word – it usually involves explanation of how & where something went wrong OR about something that has yet to come to fruition. So you intended to call? Or you intended to show up 3 hours ago like you said you would? You intended to call me on my birthday 8 days ago and you intended to leave your unhappy marriage. Women don’t want to discuss men’s damn intentions, they want to discuss actions or inaction. When do we decide that we are too big for certain situations and invariably behaviors and people? Can you determine if you are too big for someone? Truth, involves mathematics which requires further thought beyond the obvious (use a calculator to arrive at an answer faster than hand/mind mulling over at unnecessary length). When you want an answer, you have to at least have an idea of how you plan to arrive at it, what’s the formula? People don’t want to do the math because ah ha!!! They’re afraid that they don’t possess the knowledge to arrive at any definitive answers. Sometimes you do the math correctly & still disbelieve the answer, perhaps because you’ve miscalculated all along. Balancing a checkbook is proof of such pudding, surely you didn’t spend that much (sometimes you look back, like wtf?) and the remaining balance is lower than you’d been thinking, how could you be so off?…these are the implications of misjudging.
Some people end up living that lie, knowing things are horribly amiss and really a mess!!! I’ve learned that people welcome delusion. people settle based on all things circumstantial, why do people feel the urge to dishonor their human side, their frailties, flaws and intricacies by masking authenticity for people who oftentimes are further removed from themselves than you are from yourself? Think about that. Who set the requirement that women had to be whole or come close to it or at all costs pretend to be so? Especially for fragmented men. How is this man who is less parts whole than you are, your consideration for altering yourself? Think about that. The woman in the mirror can become grotesquely unrecognizable when she practices self deceit. Until women can confront the ugly parts of themselves, of their shortcomings, ineptitude & willingness and welcoming of someone they intuitively suspect to be undeserving, their cycles of pretensions will continue to manifest, because fundamentally their self-worth is lacking or waivers and fleets upon whims. As a matter of fact, our self respect collectively has been bartered, bending and relaxing to near invisibility in the wake of the degradation of society. This same “society” that we have allowed to dictate expectations in status quo fashion regardless of its “fit” individually. Our relationships are crapshoots because we have arrived at a place where our state of affairs are deplorable & out-of-order. Not even enough to scrounge up a bowl full nor a morsel to make 1/2 of a gesture to provide sustenance. We are walking reflections of our own woundedness ~ now we want to own and lay claim to things and people, that are of no value.
Its been said that we’re raising a generation of hyper sensitive people. People who practice unhealthiness, happily. What the world needs now isn’t love! What the world needs now is an understanding. A revisiting of processes that worked, because if one more idiot says he was just trying to be nice , my request simply is that you don’t! Just be yourself, Jeez! (nice, mean, indifferent or whatever). I don’t need or want you to keep up appearances because you don’t want to appear inflexible or difficult, mean etc.. That conditioning is for robots who like a rote existence. To my point, post-haste (tongue in cheek)…civility is overstated, over used and oftentimes not to our benefit or that of others but au contraire many would rather march on to their detriment.
I have a special regard for those who are at peace with their eccentricities, etc. etc. to be self-aware on a level where being out the box isn’t a goal to be reached because it’s where they already exist. I read an article in a well-known magazine that I can’t recall or place, but it was one of the expensive ones. Lauryn Hill’s then controversial aesthetics graced the cover and I purchased it based on my aforementioned predilection of like characteristics in others. Though that article is at least 9 years old what struck me and resonated within my soul was Lauryn’s answer to the question posed about the lackluster response of her then newly released unplugged album & her MTV unplugged performance. The question eluded that people thought both failed, due to in large part a seemingly public fraying of her edges, and undoing. To which Ms. Hill responded (to paraphrase)….”I had to realize that I wasn’t average and once I did, I stopped expecting the average to understand, to get or to comprehend me, simply because they cannot. What more needs to be said?
When someone hits you with truth, learn to acquire a taste for it. When you ask, and I answer…thank me. If I say I’m not interested, applaud that I’d rather tell you than use you. If you get “wild” or flippant with me expect that “I” will get “wild” or flippant with you (I may not, but expect it). If you ask me for my name & number and I say that I didn’t come to the bar for conversation and that furthermore I’m not interested, just bow out maturely. If you see someone and they look unapproachable, err on the side of caution that they do not want to be approached & keep it moving. Stop forcing yourself on others!! In any capacity, if you’ve called and gotten no call back – stop calling. If you offer to buy a drink & I decline because I’m with others and it would be rude of me to accept while they have none, then just leave or just buy everyone a drink but remember I didn’t ask you for anything and I’m not obligated to have you in my cipher because you just spent $32 on a round (eye roll). I spend $32 at lunch, so don’t “expect” something more than a given situation calls for! I have no problem being uncivilized because I don’t care what people think about me, or how I look or seem to a bunch of lost souls.
Until my next blog – act like you know.
*wild out within reason unless you’re trying to go to jail, truly have a physical fight, get hurt or worse.
*references of “people” means any human, i.e. your mother, bff or whomever!
Schemain, an acquired taste~