1.  To all borrowers’:  Return a borrowed item, before the loaner has to ask – pssst…come here (gesturing with pointer finger)…that also includes money!!  If you can’t do either of those things, don’t borrow other people’s stuff!!  Get your own stuff, why you riding mine? (Thanks for the line lil’ Kim).


2.  To people who like to tell other’s what they think without solicitation:  Do not misconstrue with #3 below.  This is for instances where you weren’t “asked” what you thought, you just offered it as if it were welcomed & as if it was “OK” for you to do so (perhaps based on friendship/relationship & the closeness or length of either or both).  Simply feeling like you know someone does not “give” you room to say what you “think” whenever it is that you “think” it.  Even conversations had in past moments and times does not give you a pass to comment freely, nor does it give you the authority.  The most important reason you should refrain from this behavior is this:  you are yourself flawed and regrettable and hypocritical, how can you offer any reprimands?  I don’t do it—proudly I can say that it isn’t a practice of mine.  There has never been an unsolicited occurrence where I just told someone what I thought (well rarely maybe).   I never “jump” in the midst of any happening to interject a thought, or opinion…NOT because I do not possess any, but because I understand my place.  I have boundaries & I understand the unwritten rules of engagement.  I don’t rattle off freely at the mouth about anything, even if it’s to say how I feel about your life, your stuff, your situation, your man, your kids, etc. etc. etc.   Understand there are differences in joking around and being witty while engaging in a discussion.  For example, Girl 1: I don’t understand why my man expects me to do everything around the house.  Girl 2:  You better not let that man run you (and conversation continues). This is simple, isn’t it?  Friendships do not give you the right to say what you feel.  If you feel like you should be able to say how you feel whenever you feel a particular way, then do that with everyone, do not just misdirect @ your friends/loved ones.  When your boss comes over and asks you something, just say exactly how you feel, give them your unsolicited feedback & see where that lands you.  Fact is people only tell others what’s on their mind when no one has asked because they are exerting something within themselves that has nothing to actually do with you, just how they perceive you.  Meaning…they’ve been dying to tell you what they think about you, or your situation or how you handle things but never really had an opportunity to do so.  Basically, they’ve been waiting.

I can’t stand that; there is just some shit you have to resign yourself to never saying if you wish to keep certain conditions in tact.  Learn to keep your mouth shut.  Learn to reserve your personal opinion, UNLESS specifically asked.  Bite your tongue, i.e. stay in your lane; resist temptation and the urge to speak on a situation that’s probably still better than yours (if you were to size them up).  Fact is, If I wanted to, I could run down a long ass list about all that I felt about other people and the circumstances in which they exist, however…I’m busy living my own life.  If you’re over there messing up your shit, that’s fine by me.  I’m not gonna tell you about it, until (wait for it, wait for it…its coming), until you ask me or make it my business, which brings me to #3.


3.  People who like to tell other’s what’s their business vs. what’s not:  Don’t make something my business & then tell me that it isn’t.  This is what I mean, example:  You drop your baby off for me to watch, and his clothes are filthy and you have no change of clothes.  You’ve now made all of that my business, get it?  So when I say to you “why does your baby have dirty clothes & why didn’t you bring a change of clothes”?  Don’t tell me it isn’t my business.  Notha’ example:  I loaned you 50 bucks and you said you were going to pay me back when you got paid at the end of the week, yet before the end of the week & after…you’ve been out shopping & haven’t mentioned my 50 bucks or the return of it.  So when I say to you “how you shopping and buying all this stuff and I can’t get my 50 bucks”.  You can’t then say to me, that it isn’t my business.  You know why?  Because you just made it my business!!  Different example:  You claim we are a family & that we care about each other BUT there are certain things I cannot speak on because it’s not my business.  If there is one place in the world where you should be able to discuss, talk or argue about anything- – IT IS WITH FAMILY!!  If we can’t, then we’re not really family, now are we?!  Exactly.


4.  When in other people’s homes, you play by their rules:  You would think this was a no brainer, but astonishingly and apparently – – tis not.  You’d be surprised how many people are disguised as full-fledged thinkers, faking intellectualism, and foregoing common sense for opaque covered nuances.  What I’m saying is this:  When in someone else’s home you do what they say, simple…OR you don’t go, it is a really really kindergarten concept to grasp.  If at Jay’s house he doesn’t want you bringing people by with you that he doesn’t know, then a) Come alone or b) Don’t come at all.  But you can’t tell Jay that there is something wrong with his wish – – why? It’s his blasted house!!  If Gracie Ann doesn’t like smoking in the house, then a) Don’t smoke in the house or b) Don’t go to Gracie Ann’s house.  You can’t tell Gracie what or how she should govern her home.  In a heated debate, you cannot tell your hostess Schemain…that a topic isn’t her business, by default, anything taking place under her roof is her business – – including conversations.  The only way it wouldn’t be my business is if you took it OUT of my house.  If you’re in my house with your words and actions in tow, that is my business, Simple.  If you feel like something doesn’t concern me, make sure everything that pertains to you also falls into that category, including but not limited to…you needing favors from me.  If you need me for nothing, then need me for nothing.  Miss me with all of that & get out my house, that’s how I roll.  It’s my way or the highway (when you’re in my house).  You don’t run this, I do & when I come to your house, I’ll follow your rules…Simple.  Comprende?

5.  Know when to take an “L”.  Know when to cut your losses:  Again this seems to be an insurmountable task for many many people.  In life you have to be able to look at a thing for what it is—not what you want it to be.  You’ll save yourself a lot of headache and unnecessary BS.  Its learning when to pick your battles based on the sizing of things.  Yes of course you could be David and that thing, Goliath.  Sure these victories occur & sure you could win today…however…more often than not…there is a gun fight and lots of times, everybody goes down in a hail of bullets with no survivors living to tell the tale .  And hey, that might be how you want to go out, smoke; sirens; police; blood; guts & gore.  Strangely & maybe call it selfish but I find no glory in getting my ass kicked, literally or figuratively.  I’d rather regroup, rethink, re-evaluate & rebound when the time is right.  Ahhhh…that was a nugget there…when the “TIME” is right.  Learning when the time is right is tied to enlightenment-which one only attains through growth, through learning lessons, through self sacrifice & tests.  Ego’s are the death of people, there have been bloody battles and egregious wars fought because some guy didn’t like how that other guy walked over here.  As understandable as that might be—can you win this thing?  And if not what does sacrificing a win teach you or how does it make your position better?  If it doesn’t, take your “L” (loss)—and live another day.

As always until next time, act like you know!


About fanciesherself

Schemain Duncan is an American grown, Brooklyn bred intellectually gifted Writer, Wordsmith and Life Coach currently residing in Atlanta. She writes a provocative and controversial blog from the atypical new woman’s perspective about the subliminal and subversive memes that infiltrate & affect the dynamics between Black men and Black women, inclusive of other interracial issues with hopes that her raw, sharp edged words will create dialogue and help to shift perspectives. Digest at your leisure~ Her way with words has found another creative outlet with a unique greeting card line aptly called “Honestly Speaking” which captures what others don't and that says what you are really feeling and seeking to communicate in all of the "in between" moments. All photography are original works, see both by visiting... http://honestlyspeaking.weebly.com/
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One Response to

  1. Lisa says:

    A zillion claps!!!!! Well said my favorite friend/family!

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